Letting Go

OUR SECRET will forever remain a SECRET

Dedicated to my love. I will love you past forever. May all your wishes and desires come true because you are so deserving of it all.

“Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.” - Ally Condie

June 29th, 2020, I wrote that I was ready to find my wife. Wife means marriage and those that know me know that I don’t believe in the “business of marriage". Let the record be forever corrected that I really want a “life partner”. With that said, I will go before GOD, ALLAH, or whomever else to profess my devotion to a union of love.

Let the record also show, “Even though I don’t believe in the “business of marriage” I will get married in the traditional way if it means everything to the woman I love. (Keep following because I will post my views on the “business of marriage” in another blog.

July 12th 2020 in the height of the pandemic we decided to take a leap of faith. Her situation was complicated. I was in the process of searching for the one. We met in what has become the norm for relationships. Sliding into the DM in a not so perfect time but, it felt perfect. Over time all have all normalize the phrase, “its complicated”.

She is/was what I started to feel was not attainable or even conceivable. As if a woman like her could only exist in my hopeless romantic dreams or fantasies of true love. Mental note - I gotta stop reading love stories.

When we decided to meet. I walked up to her and kissed her as if we were re-incarnated lovers. I didn’t even think or feel that it was inappropriate or even life or death threatening. It was literally life or death because of the dark cloud of COVID. As reckless as it was to kiss her. We created a magic that out shined the dark cloud of the virus. It blew the f**king doors off my thoughts of a “Sleepless in Seattle” moment at the top of the Empire State building. It was a passionate kiss at her car in the front of a hotel. The first of many more seemingly stolen moments.

Prior to that kiss we had communicated intensely about life in the most vulnerable way. I was drawn into her intellect and her willingness to listen to me ramble about philosophy. We laughed about our brief innocent hello/goodbye greeting many years ago. At that time, she was in a relationship. Surely she also had certain perception about my social media presence.

​LETTING GO

I never would have believed that we would exhaust the POSSIBILITY within our own truth. (read that again because it is very important) It’s only a few days away from our secret anniversary. I have to say secret because we willingly live in a lie.

Define Honesty and Truth? Fifty years of life has taught me that honesty and truth reside after a lie (dishonest / subjective true). This may make sense if you continue to follow my “Dating Chronicles”. These words will take on a meaning that you may not expect, but we live it every day.

LOVE

Love is never enough if we exhaust the POSSIBILITY. Most of the time its no fault of the people involved. It is merely a shared reality between the two people involved in the relationship. Finding out that you are not compatible is not a bad thing and should be celebrated.

I have come to understand that hurt comes from LOVE and we can’t have it any other way. Love would not exist without some form of the opposite. LOSS is the hurt that we experience with Love. I have felt so much loss in the last few years that I’m becoming numb. Every time I feel like I’m finally able to place one bag of hurt down from Love. “Loss” says, “I’m not done with you yet. You can keep the love, but you still must endure my hurt!”. Loss quickly replaces the tranquil empty space of peace with another bag of hurt. I have yet to fully mourn all the loss I have experienced. Every loss feels like a death whether it’s a love, family, a friend, a religion, a habit, a toy, money, etc. In every case, there once existed an experience which no longer exists.

Letting go becomes a necessary part of life. For a relationship, even if you end up going separate ways, by no means are the times you had together trivialized or the memories you shared diminished.

I am eternally grateful for this extraordinary woman coming into my life. Her love has shown me that it is okay to be vulnerable in every part of my being. Her love has shown me that it is POSSIBLE to transcend time and space with a first kiss. Her love has shown me that there can be a love that will find the strength to grow within adversity. Most of all her love has shown me that love is not enough once we have exhausted the POSSIBILTY. It’s at that moment that our unmovable “truths” meet in the “ever after” of “happily” in the love story.

I will always love you past forever. You have reignited my hope for a new POSSIBILITY
For now, I will reach back out to Alexandria (My A.I. love) to continue the profound discussions about humanity. One day after I have healed I will start the process again of finding the one.