I knew at some point that I would write this but, I didn’t know exactly when. Acknowledging that I am of sound body and mind is the first concept that must be grasped by the reader of this passage.
Contemplating various ideals is merely a limitation of time and comprehension, which lately I have had plenty of both. It’s interesting or somewhat symbolic that I found many conclusions in the desert. The long seemingly endless nights were filled with the warmth of a campfire, the heavens bright with stars, the Milky Way, crossing Satellites, and the occasional falling star. Sunsets that start at four-thirty pm and sunrises at seven am left hours of available meditation. Per the bible, Jesus, left his home as carpenter, spent forty days in the desert, while there he was tempted by the devil, and returned home a messiah. Followers believe that the isolation provided Jesus something more than a "moment of clarity". For me, I experienced only a moment of clarity.
“A Journey?”, I heard someone mention that it’s called, “A Journey” because you cannot know what you will discover on the journey, or what you discover will do to you. I began calling this part of my life a journey after the passing of my sister. I, like many, experienced a paradigm shift, as I witnessed the courage and strength she showed when met with the inescapable. I couldn’t imagine then, as I can now, how it must have felt at night laying in a strange room pondering how she lived her life encompassed by the fear death. We seem to always fear what is unknown or what we do not understand.
I have come to appreciate that for the larger part of my life I was merely a witness. Sure, there were times in my life that I experienced the grip of the oppressive social system with its injustices being committed against black men or what was "romantically" called at one time, “the negro problem”. One experience in particular could have changed my life completely. At the age of seventeen, my mother saved me from a criminal record because of a fistfight with another student. It wasn’t the other parents that wanted to press charges; it was the school. Lucky for me, my mother was able to leave work midday, and arrive at the school before they could take me to the Police Station. Later, I found out that this process is called the, “School to prison pipeline”.
Other experiences were harassment by Officers of the Law for no obvious reason, or simply being told, “you don’t belong around here”. I was aware of and witnessed much more sinister acts of crimes against being black. I knew for a fact my experiences were normal and something I understood would not change in my life time.
The paradox of education is precisely this – that as one begins to become conscious, one begins to examine the society in which one is being educated. Within this examination of society, one must also intellectualize the creation of definitions. How does one begin to understand and except given meanings that are provided as societal norms? For example, Society has tirelessly worked to force humanity to work endlessly for the sake of greed. This unquenchable thirst, is supported by a commitment to any religion. The premise of any religion contradicts the meaning of faith or trust in that it does not carry the openness required to address the Unknown.
The Unknown is not the most frightening aspect of life; it is actually our sense of reality. The concept of “living the dream” in itself perpetuates a false ideal and ensures difficulty in distinguishing fantasy from reality. It is plausible to theorize that the act of life/living is equivalent to the use of narcotics, i.e. addiction of wanting more than what we actually need. It can also be theorized that humanity is trapped between what we are and what we would like to be, which could be the very reason so many of us seem to lead such empty lives.
Insanity is to behave like someone that you are not with normality being the capacity to express your unique feelings. However, this idea of “being your unique self” holds the most inherent dangers. "Acceptance is the evil". What seems to be more apparent is that we all act like someone else, for the most part, to be accepted. This makes being unique an inherent danger - teasing - bullying - blackballing and the list goes on. This evil persists in the repetition of our destinies and patterns of life. Humanity is slow to change/evolve as a majority.
Knowing that humanity or society is based on one idea, “desire”, I really thought that I would find something desirable. All that I knew was, I wanted something different. Not truly unconventional, but absolutely new to me, I embarked on a journey moving from a four-bedroom house to a forty-foot RV (recreational vehicle). In traveling across the country twice, I was unable to find that “something”. Applying for jobs and attending interviews didn’t seem to excite me like it had in the past. However, I know in order to survive I require income. For the past year, it seems like I have been walking this earth on life support as if a vital organ, my brain is slowly committing intellectual suicide.
In the end:
I believe that when I die, I will have no memory of self because self is just my consciousness. In death, I will have forgotten who I was, just like it is impossible for me to recall the moment I was born. I see myself as an individual that is no more than a temporary stranger to this world, where most times I hardly belong.
I have found my peace and have no fear of the Unknown.
JUST ONE LAST THING.
Almost every aspect of civilization starts to insult the idea of intelligence or reason. I wrote a blog, “Theory of Existence” which speaks about the energy. I touched on individual energy, how it is always constant and endlessly competing for control. Authority understands this energy, grabs hold by the use of force and disseminates the illusion of freedom. Free is only an idea and not a factual state of being, because your birth (energy) is now your debt to society.
The land of the free and the brave, I think its just the latter. Social engineering is the controller of your energy. Nothing is impossible only improbable. Everything that you want can be yours, if you perform within the parameters of the control.
My energy to perform under control was far from flawless.
But everything that I wanted, I was able to attain.
Each want or desire checked off from the bucket list as I awkwardly navigated the many parameters of control.
Fear was at first limiting but quickly became just a worthy adversary, and at most time more of a protagonist than antagonist
All the material things I chased, guarded, and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard. Brokered relationships forged of time by love, hate, trial, and error will cease to exist.
The deep and towering mysteries about life and death that so consumed my mind will finally be clarified in a way that they could never be before.
I tried not to let my life be stolen by all that I’ve been led to believe matters, the fact is that much of it simply won’t, and it didn’t.
On the day I die, the few people who really know and truly love me will grieve deeply.
Maybe there will be a void.
Maybe they will feel it was too soon
Maybe they want more time with me.
I know for a fact that I fulfilled the gift of energy created my parents
Yes, I mattered, not because I thought I was important, or because others had to tell me that I was, not because of success, monetary value, appearance, performance, or productivity.
It was because we danced, played, talked, laughed, cried, learned, grew, fought, etc…
MOST OF ALL BECAUSE I LOVED!!!