Emerging Personality of Love

RELATIONSHIP QUESTION SUBMITTED:

Question: What was so special about her?
Answer: She made me feel SECURE. She made me feel like she understood the complexity of my growth and struggles with unlearning and relearning my place in this world. She showed me a glimpse into another world of consistency that I had not seen or felt in a long time.  She sacrificed so much in such a short time and I will forever be grateful. 
Mental Health: I reached out to a Professional Therapist to discuss several challenges that I should not have discuss with my love. The topics could make anyone feel uncomfortable with a persons state of being in a relationship. I need to address all of the loss that I have experienced over the past few years. Hopefully these sessions will heal some open wounds that have been haunting me since 2018. Men should feel comfortable seeking professional help in challenging times. 
 
Prologue –  On my Facebook feed I wrote a version of this blog during the relationship. Now that I’m experiencing the hurt first hand. I rewrote and changed the title. 

Emerging Personality of Love
Name Changed – “Emerging Possibility of Love”
 
If I could… I would start our relationship at the moment we “break up” and then live out our relationship together in reverse. I know that sounds crazy. The infatuation, bliss, feeling of the first kiss, would not end.
 
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“William, I have never heard you speak of anyone like you speak of her.” My best friends voice filled with excitement knowing I would never say things like, “I would f**king marry her and help raise her children. There’s something about her that gives me a feeling of security that I haven’t felt.” I relied. “I’m so happy for the two of you.”
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I wake to a pitch black room that’s starting to fill with water. It’s so dark that I can’t see my hand in front of my face. I know that my hand is there. Just like I know that the truth exists. It’s right there because it is attached to my wrist, arm, and body. It can’t be anywhere but right in front of me because I put it there.
 
Unable to see it, I still reach out willingly searching -- knowing that this is the only way my soul will be able to feel something. There has to be a door or a window because I have faith —it has to be one there. Why would I be in this room?
 
The water is slowing rising to my waist with no sign of slowing when my hand finally feels a smooth surface in front of me and above me but, there still no opening—it has to be one there. Why would I be in this room?
 
I see it in my heart and soul that I’m headed the right direction but the water is rising and has made it to me chest.
 
My heart to race as I push hard against the surface. Should I stay here and push knowing that I there could be something in the other direction.
 
May there is something under the water that I can use to break it? I move my hand down the surface and start to feel something. It feels like writing on a wall.
 
Its getting so hard to breathe but I need to hold my breath to see if I can determine what is written.
 
I go under the water and concentrate hard on one word. I realized I can only hold my breath long enough to make one word. That means I need to remember each word with the stress of knowing that every time I surface there is less space to get air because the water is still raising. I stay there hoping that what ever this sentence is will be the solution to my situation. Why would I be in this room?
 
Damn this is starting to be the words in a sentence I already know. “I know this will be different because I did not lie about who I am. I tried my best to remove, “I don’t know” from every question. So it has to be different? No way that it can be the same.
 
Tell me that the darkness is not the light of consciousness in the last breath found in the whispers to myself, “I told you so.”
 
The cold water is patiently waiting for me to inhale for what it knows to be my last time. Why would I be in this room?
 
I finally give in to the inevitable when I realized… It is my tears that fill the room.
 
I inhale
 
The wisdom of truth which is painful liberates me as the water enters to fill the emptiness in my heart. Every part of me that was willingly vulnerable to crossing every and any emotional line of, “I thought I’d never.”
 
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When a relationship ends, the beginning is like a distant dream of a self we never knew. The laughs, smiles, awkward moments, never ending sex in every moment available. It all fades into a nightmare of hurt, disbelief, and self realization. We are unable to recall the wonderful “firsts” because you are no longer that self.
 
You have evolved and so have I. We are no longer the romantic part of the novel or movie. We have become the broken hearts at the beginning of a new story. Slowly mending the parts of our hearts that will be filled again with patience and time.
 
Surely through the process of healing there will be external influences that bring their baggage in the form of judgment about relationship they could not even begin to understand?  They will quickly act as both Judge and Jury making the case for eviction on the grounds of uncorroborated and unreliable testimony from what they have experienced in their life?
 
If only we knew our future selves without any doubt. We surely would make different decisions but, that’s how this works.

Even if we knew the future would we change it?
 
I was not afraid of the inescapability of change. I felt so SECURE in a feeling of being able to live in whatever version of the truth that our LOVE existed. YOU and I KNEW/KNOW ALL the lives, history, etc. that would be affected by this union. We had to commit totally to this until the end. There was NO room for any DOUBT—and we let it creep in.
 
Never would I believed that we would be where we are right now—and this would be our reality. Now I'm afraid to do anything. 
 
I hope you understand why I wished we could have live a relationship in reverse.
 
I will love you past forever

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“I thought that sharing my most vulnerable self
would be the answer it all.
Not to pretend
It was that vulnerable self  
that brought us to an end
 
 I am who I say I am
 maybe I just didn’t say 
it the right way.

To almost feel like we started
to unraveled the riddles of life

allowing my soul to sore
 you damn sure made me feel
SECURE.” -Will